It’s not you, it’s me.

At work, we often take a selfish mindset when we encounter uncomfortable interactions.

Here’s an example: a sales manager interrogates a salesperson on one of her deals. The salesperson leaves the conversation thinking “Wow. My manager must think I am incompetent at my job or she wouldn’t have really dug into minute details on this deal. What did I do wrong? How do I show her I am capable? Should I change my presentation style?”

While I admire her self-reflection, this person believes what the sales manager did reflected her work or her style, not the sales manager’s goals. Most likely the sales manager dug into the deal so deeply because she needed to better understand that business for her boss, she developed a personal goal to understand deal nuances, etc.

I remember a few years ago I couldn’t sleep because I was so concerned about an email I wrote to my boss. I called my dad the next day to ask if, on a Saturday, I should write a clarification email. My dad gave a pretty rational, objective and removed reply; “What? You want to bother your boss on a Saturday? He is not even thinking about this.”

The next time you freak out because you believe you did something noticeably wrong or you feel insecure or offended by a reaction from a colleague or manager, try to remember that it might stem from the other person’s goals, motivations or situation. It may be you. But, it also may be them.

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It’s not you, it’s me.

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